A Maybe Not-So-Temporary Home (For shardofwinter )

[turningcolors]

This Spring is more difficult than most for Hazel.

She's made infrequent trips to the Nexus any time tensions and emotions in the small Scottish cabin have gotten to be too much for her. Though while Hazel will claim she needs to get her housemate out of her hair her trips have not all been for blowing off steam.

In fact, every time she leaves she comes back with something new for the cabin. A small storage freezer she clears floor space for in a corner of the cabin to store large bags of ice for whenever Reynard is feeling particularly unwell. Another particularly bad bickering and another day of her missing from the cabin. A small fold away futon showing up on the floor that evening for when Rey is too weak to make it to the bed.

He'd made it quite clear he was going to deal with this Spring Sickness in his own way so Hazel just keeps working around that. Doing what she can to make the recovery easier on him.

It's early evening when Hazel comes back from the Nexus tonight. The days grow ever longer and the air ever warmer. She has a couple bags of ice in tow to replenish the freezer and something that smells suspiciously like Chinese food in the bag on her other arm. It keeps well if Reynard isn't awake to eat just yet. Hazel sets it on the table and quietly makes her rounds trying to find the Winter spirit.

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[shardofwinter]

With his answer all prepared, he opens his mouth... only for it to slowly shut again, his jaw tensing. He had been going to ask Adia to keep an eye on her. He'd had it all planned out, all agreed but for the details. He'd had a family to return to in Spring.

Now he didn't know what he had. A promise to uphold? An obligation his instincts were screaming at him to drop and run a mile from?

It takes him a long time to answer, and he has to look away, starting to move more rocks again, before he can focus. "I'll figure it out. You don't have to help if you don't want to. You don't owe me anything. This is my task and my responsibility, I know that."

[turningcolors]

"I'm not judging you. She survived this long on her own and isn't so young she can't be independent. I just wanted to know if you were aware of what you were signing up for."

But it looks like aside from adding on to the house he doesn't. Which might not be such a big deal. Plans are Hazel's specialty. She takes the glass back from Reynard when he starts to get back to work. His dedication is something new, something he's not shown terribly much of until now.

"Of course I'm helping you. What would you like me to do? I picked up dinner for us so there's no need to cook tonight."

[shardofwinter]

Is he aware of what he's signing up for? Probably not. All he knows is that he can't do nothing. Whatever he gives her might not be the best life, but it will be better than whatever she has. A soft bed and three meals a day. He remembers that being a luxury, even if it's barely good enough for others.

When she stops arguing with him, he sighs and rubs the loose dirt from his hands. After a minute he says, "If you set the table I'll wash up and we can have dinner." He hesitates, then adds, "If you want to eat together."

[turningcolors]

Hazel grins before she can stop herself.

Today is a day of firsts. Reynard hasn't hardly wanted to say more than a murmured thanks or arguing with her when she's been cleaning up after him for weeks now. She decides to take the extended olive branch for what it is and nods quickly.

"I'd like that, Reynard."

Whatever Hazel had thought about meeting another spirit after all this time Reynard North has shattered every expectation. A chance to get to know him better aside from feverish utterings and petulant bickering is too good to pass up. That, and it's been quite some time since she's been able to just enjoy a meal in someone else's company.

She's careful to set the table so Reynard can sit at his preferred seat. Hazel's learned Winter is a creature of habit and comforts outside of his season. A glass of ice water for him (and a glass of wine next to that) for Reynard and a green tea for Hazel. There's certainly enough in the pot for him to have some too but Hazel doesn't think he cares for warm drinks.

"I've got wanton soup, crispy duck, egg fried rice, and some kind of spicy hoi sin beef and broccoli thing that smelled amazing when I walked in."

[shardofwinter]

Reynard takes his time in leaving his work area ready for tomorrow before he comes inside and washes up. He even changes his shirt into a t-shirt, something more tightly fitted so that it doesn't go into the food while they eat.

By the time he comes to sit down, Hazel has everything prepared, and he allows himself to neatly fall into the space she's set out for him. In this short space of time he's quickly learned that it's best to simply fall into Autumn's plans rather than resist them.

"It sounds lovely." He manages a smile at her reciting the menu and starts by dishing up some of the soup. That is how meals are started, after all, isn't it? While he's considering his meal, he glances over his bowl at her, cradling it with one hand as he readies his spoon. "Have you travelled much? Been to China?"

[turningcolors]

"I wanted there to be plenty of leftovers." It's easier for Reynard to scrounge for food in his own time that way if she makes sure the fridge stays stocked full of food and keeps him eating well. It's also easier on her because while she doesn't mind cooking and tending to the dishes she hardly did so every day for herself. He's never asked her to do it but she feels like she ought to anyway here.

The alternative is letting him cook and Hazel isn't certain she's brave enough to sit through that. It's all assumption, of course. She hasn't ever seen him cook to know for certain.

"Mm, thank you." She sets aside her tea to accept the bowl he passes to her. "Only recently. The last half century or so did I finally go to China for a visit. I'm a woman. Travelling alone isn't easy. I used to pose as a nun to explain my lack of a husband or child and do work where I could. I spent a lot of time in the Americas setting up orphanages and pretending to teach 'lesser peoples' about their Christian god. Might have helped those natives to stand up for themselves instead, but no one will tell you that if you ask." Hazel may not be religious but the work itself was good. Helping people who had everything taken from them was not pretty work.

"It wasn't until women gained some measure of independance that I really began to travel for myself."

[shardofwinter]

Hazel pointing out that she's a woman almost gets a laugh, but as she continues talking he suddenly feels intensely grateful that he managed to restrain himself. Travelling hasn't always been easy, even for him, but at least a man with a sword strapped to his side had less issue than a woman on her own. Reynard focuses on his soup to hide his guilt. Life was tough, but he dreads to think of what Hazel might have had to endure. Better not to think on it. Better not to bring it up.

"You're already more travelled than me," he says with an encouraging, if weak, smile. "Where else have you been? Religion can take you far, from what I've heard."

[turningcolors]

"Not all of it was willing, believe me. I fled to the Americas because I'd spent too long in the same areas and had begun to have people suspicious of me and my 'family', not knowing it was only myself. Ironically I'd only fled to the Isles because I'd spent too long in what is now Germany. I was determined not to ever be chased out like that again, so I made sure to use the excuse of religion to my benefit and travel often across the Americas so as to never arouse suspicions too high again."

Many of the memories are dark and frightening, but Hazel survived those times and rather enjoys modern society a lot more than she'd expected to. It's not ideal for a woman, hardly the case. But it's much safer than it used to be and infintiely more empowering.

"I've forgotten more of my past than I remember, I'm afraid. So much of it runs together and quite a bit I've wanted to let go of. I spent much of my time in Celtic circles heading ever westward through Europe and eventually to England. I rather enjoyed it there, but eventually fled overseas."

[shardofwinter]

There's a lot to take in. Each snippet of information she provides earns a wealth of consideration. The more she talks the better able he is to imagine her life as different, individual. He never pretended to be his own son. He never thought to. Any act as a religious man was short lived and he never dared venture as far as to the Americas. More strikingly, he rarely forgot any of his time despite it being so repetitive at times.

"So you never settled again?" He gestures around vaguely. "Not even somewhere alone and remote like this? You didn't find someone to settle down for?"

[turningcolors]

Reynard's question touches on something in Hazel that's buried away somewhere deep. For a spirit so entwined with secrets and mystery it's easy to see Hazel lie as something in her jaw ticks and she feigns a look of casual disinterest while she lowers her gaze to her bowl of soup for a moment. As though she's collecting her thoughts.

Or how to conceal them.

"I've been alive for over two millenia, Reynard. It was inevitable that I would use this body for it's purpose." It's such a carefully neutral statement. "I have somewhere safe like this to go to roost if I need to, but settling anywhere for long is dangerous."

[shardofwinter]

"I didn't mean to offend," he insists, voice low. "I'm just... trying to get to know you."

Finishing his soup he sets it aside and turns his attention to the rest of the feast so he can start working out how to dish it up. "Clearly," he begins as he opens the rice. "We're different even though we're both spirits. We leave our Seasons differently and we've never met other spirits before. So, really, we know almost nothing about each other."

He scoops some of the rice onto a plate and then looks at her. "I want to change that."

[turningcolors]

"I tried."

The words come out abruptly and with an effort behind them, though they are spoken more into her teacup than they are to Reynard. Hazel hadn't planned on sharing this but Reynard's low backstepping and explanation of his intentions pries open her lips to let those two words slip out.

"What you asked, there were times I tried. To be human. To have a--to have a family." She holds the teacup with both hands to keep it from shaking. "It only took a few times before I stopped."

[shardofwinter]

It's strange how two words can convey so much. Reynard stops in his tracks and his hands settle onto the table with the sagging of his shoulders. The difficulties of pretending to be human when you so clearly aren't has always been his burden to hold and his alone. Telling humans could draw pity from them, but little else. Those two words, and those that follow, call to a sadness that before he could only ever bury, and bury deep.

Never has his expression been so pure of sympathy than when he looks at Hazel now. "I'm sorry." There is little that can make up for an eternity of loneliness, without family or flesh or soul. All Reynard can do is reach for her arm and squeeze it as warmly as his cool hands will allow. "I am so sorry."

[turningcolors]

Hazel's eyes are wet when she looks up and the tiny rueful quirk upwards of her lips isn't a happy smile in the least. They've found a point that they share finally and it stems from a hurt they've both buried deep down inside of themselves.

"It was a long time ago now." As if it makes anything alright. And perhaps this tragedy is a gift, too. Not having to see her human children age and die while she's still the same. She's had to watch countless lovers pass over her years. How much worse would it be to observe the same in her own flesh and blood? Or would they have grown and had families of their own? People she could watch over and protect.

It only hurts to think like this. Hazel grits her teeth harder and does her best to force the box shut again on those traitorous thoughts.

"It's why I chose jobs that let me work with children so often for a long time. It's almost impossible for me to..." Hazel gestures vaguely to her stomach before she turns her attention abck to the tea and finished the cup all at once. She doesn't get up until Reynard lets go of her and when she does it's to fetch the bottle of wine she'd opened along with a glass for herself.

"I've never managed to make it through enough to have one."

[shardofwinter]

Time doesn't make it alright. They both know that. There's no need to pretend time is a cure-all with each other, or that either of them thinks that. They know better. They both know that there are no words, no actions to soothe the pain of a family lost.

When she moves to pull away he lets her go and sits back into his seat. In comparison he must be lucky, he thinks. He never had to experience having something, almost close enough to touch, to hold. No. All he had was the unyielding absence, an uncompromising coldness. Even those times when he found peace with it, few of his lovers could. But there was never any hope, except the hope he made for himself.

There's little to say, and she deserves the freedom to say as much or as little as she wants, so Reynard stays quiet. Only sliding his glass towards her when she approaches with the wine. They might as well drink together.

[turningcolors]

Hazel picks up her chair with one hand and drags it until she's moved around to Reynard's side of the table and can sit next to him when she pours them both a full glass of the wine. She doesn't seem to be looking at anyone or anything for a few minutes. Her gaze is distant as she remembers a time and place that exist now only in her memories.

"When you said you wanted to get to know me better....this wasn't what I intended to share." It takes a glass and a half of wine before Hazel speaks up again. Every word holding the weight of how tired she is.

"I don't mind children. The girl you're fixing the house for, i'll do my best to help you."

[shardofwinter]

They won't be her parents. Even Reynard knows that. He won't be Tina's father, and Hazel won't be her mother. They will be guardians at best, landlords at worst. The Winter spirit has no illusions that this might fulfil his secret desire for fatherhood. It doesn't seem right to say that aloud though. Not right now. Not yet. As much as Hazel brings up Tina, this isn't about the girl at all.

"Thank you." His voice is a warm rumble. He waits a moment, then slides his plate of food in front of her. "You should eat." The corners of his mouth turn upwards in a tentative smile. "If you really are planning to get to know me you'll need all the strength you can get."

[turningcolors]

The warmth in Reynard's voice makes Hazel smile again, even if it's only the slightest upturns of her lips. She ducks her head by way of thanking him but before she can say anything he's pushing his food in front of her.

"I'll eat, and you'll tell me about yourself. Is that the bargain?"

She knows Reynard will eat his fill in his own time so she doesn't fuss at him to eat too. He's serious about the house alterations and knows he will need his strength for that. This time of year neither of them can really afford not to conserve their strength.

[shardofwinter]

Reynard smiles and nods. "If it gets you to enjoy the dinner you brought."

Once he's sure she's eating he turns to pull over her plate and start dishing out some more food. Mostly so that he has something for his hands to do while he thinks and while he talks. It's more difficult this time. Usually he's talking to humans, giving slivers of information, glimpses of his life. She'd know if he was holding back, though. He's sure she'd know. So he has to be honest. That... isn't easy. To bare your soul when you are so used to hiding it.

"I kept to Europe, mostly. The furthest south I've been is Turkey, the further East Russia. I went to the Arctic once, but that's as adventurous as I've been with my travelling." It's all geography. All distant. He has to give something warmer, something Autumn might look for.

"I never had a family. Like you I... I tried, but..." He glances at Hazel and shakes his head as if confirming someone's unfortunate fate. "I tried to find my family elsewhere. I had a little farm in France for a while. Fought with a band of warriors in Germany. Kept the company of... unsavoury figures," he breathes with a guilty smile. "But patience for our kind of task only lasts so long."

[turningcolors]

It is good food though Hazel's appetite is somewhat waned she forces herself to eat. The food is necessary if for no other reason than to stymie the hangover she's going to incur with the wine she's still imbibing with a fervor.

"I've not been to most of Europe, to be fair. Nor to the poles." She points over her plate with her fork while she speaks but takes care not to break the flow of Reynard's story completely. Nor to give herself time to consider and push her food away. Her gaze drops to her plate when Reynard confirms what she feared; he is as unable to have children as she is. Her fingers shake slightly with the conflict inside of her.

The despair of the truth she's been hoping was wrong her whole life fights furiously with the shameful relief that she's not broken and inferior. That Reynard is also like her. But she shouldn't be relieved to hear that. It's a horrible fate for ones as long lived as they, isn't it?

"Family is what you make of it. The...important things is, for better or worse, neither of us has to be alone anymore."

[shardofwinter]

He gives Hazel a forced smile and a small nod of agreement before hiding behind a sip of wine. They don't have to be alone. That should be a good thing, shouldn't it? So why does it make him feel so nervous?

Silence sits between them for a minute as Reynard stares into his wine, hoping the deep red liquid might give him all of his answers. Eventually he sighs and doesn't quite look at her as he speaks.

"Hazel, I… I'm not a good person. I can act good, I can do good things but… that won't ever make me good." A hand lifts to gesture in an effort to help him focus his thoughts. "I… I've done things I regret, and… My point is, I don't want you to feel you have to stay with me or help me just because we're both spirits. I'm not your obligation. Ever."

[turningcolors]

It's a decidedly different tone than the one he'd taken with her during Winter. Not for the first time, Hazel finds herself wondering what happened over the last season that's shaken Reynard quite so much. But Winter is his time, not hers. She has no right to make demands of how he serves his season. Nor the reasons he might have for doing so.

She certainly doesn't want anyone trying to tell her how to do her job, or why she does what she does. The least she can do is offer him the same in kind.

"Reynard, by our very nature neither of us can be good people. What makes a person good changes with the times and the minds of the people. Human definitions of good and evil are too simple for you and I. What is good for our season may not always be good for humanity. Maybe they deserve it, maybe they don't. We don't question why a season bids us to do what we do. We don't serve humanity. We serve our season."

Hazel turns the wine glass in her fingers with a prolonged sigh.

"I try to be good, when i'm out of Season. I try to do my best to fit in among the humans. I believe in a lot of the things they do. But it's...it's not the same. When Autumn comes I--it's as though I was never among them."

[shardofwinter]

The events of the past Winter are still fresh in his mind. In ages past his actions wouldn't have been bad so much as expected of him. But this is the present, and this involves the Nexus. A place with unforgiving humans and monsters with skills and powers he's often never encountered before. He is sure he's made enemies- Is making enemies. He wants desperately to make sure she understands what she's getting into, but… he can't bring himself to explain. To admit fault would be betraying Winter, leaving his dearest Season without any advocate. He can't do that. He could never do that. He would sooner be willingly torn apart by gnashing teeth.

Yet putting Hazel in danger… It tinges his glances with a guilty tilt of his eyebrows.

Then she speaks and he relaxes. A little. He echoes her sigh. "It's the same for me. They hate me for it. Winter is about the warmth of family and charity that contrasts the trials of the cold and lonely dark. They get angry at me for only bringing what they don't like, but… It's about balance and… they're so focused on the good… I need to bring the dark. Otherwise it won't be Winter." He shakes his head and sips his wine. "And I get angry mobs in thanks."

[turningcolors]

Hazel reaches to the side and touches at Reynard's cheek gently with the tips of her fingers. She gives him a tiny, sad smile. A look of understanding. There must always be balance. The wheel must continue to turn. Finally what he's saying resonates with what she's been saying since they met. There's so much he doesn't know and so much he knows she doesn't.

But they aren't all that different at their cores.

"It's good that they're focused on the good. A breath of fresh air after the centuries of watching the darkness in humanity's hearts play out across the lands." Her fingers trail off his face slowly as she pulls away again and reaches for her glass.

"If we can inspire them to be better then it's worth being treated poorly by them. It's for their own good."

[shardofwinter]

Fingertips brush Reynard's cheek and he half turns his head, stopping suddenly when the motion presses skin to skin. He watches her from the corner of his eye until her hand slides away.

"They have gone beyond cultivating light and hope, Hazel. This isn't an era of focusing on the good, it's an era of expecting ease and convenience. They have become arrogant and entitled. They carve and cut and take from the world and have the audacity to call us monsters. We aren't an inspiration to them anymore, Hazel, we aren't motivation. We are an inconvenience, an irritating bother. There is no respect. There is no reverence. There is no balance."

He finishes his rant with a wave of his hand and swiftly takes a swig of wine. Staring into the dark liquid, he clenches his jaw. "I don't care what good or bad it does them. They don't care about the Earth, they don't care about the Seasons, and they definitely don't care about spirits. Everything I do is for Winter. Now more than ever."

[turningcolors]

"Is it...?"

Worry tilts and furrows Hazel's eyebrows as she listens to Reynard speak. She does see some of that arrogance he speaks of in their world, but in the Nexus too? A place where all times and worlds are supposedly mixed? What could they have done to hurt Reynard so deeply?

Offend his patron season to the point where this jagged determination is surfacing?

"You should. You should make them care again. I can help. If they've gone astray we can set things right. We may be spirits but we are so few. It will be better for the seasons if we can make them care again."

[shardofwinter]

Hearing her say that... It's like finally being able to move out of a painful position he's been forced to hold for centuries. Parts of him that had forgotten they could feel start to get some circulation in them again.

Someone's agreeing with him. He's railing against humans and someone is agreeing with him.

Thanking her would be wrong of him, it would be like turning something true into something to be pitied. So instead he nods and sips his wine instead. "There's nothing to be done yet. All we can do is be patient. And remember not to get caught up in their affairs."

[turningcolors]

"In the meantime you have the girl to worry about. I can go shopping for some things to do up her room as soon as you have the cabin altered to your liking. Bedding, clothing if you can get me her sizes...things of the sort."

Remembering their agreement from before Hazel makes sure to chip away at the food in front of her in between moments of conversation. For the first time she she feels a connection with Reynard that hasn't been there until now.

Hazel had only agreed to stay here at first to show him what it meant for her to be a seasonal spirit, but there's nearly a sense of shared purpose and camaraderie here now. If the Seasons are under attack she has no better place to be than at his side.